Archive for October, 2021

Smooching The Moon

Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

It really does feel like time is a human construct sometimes. A month ago I was navigating train lines, electronic refrigerator doors in drugstores, and music festival crowds in Chicago, yet it feels like a lifetime ago. I have a long awaited trip to Cleveland and Akron in less than a month, and the wait feels like double that. In the meantime my schedule has been fuller than ever. It is as exhausting as it is worthwhile, and it feels like everything now is in preparation for the future. Whether that future is near or far depends on the situation.

A big part of my busy day, as always, is observing other humans, which is hands down one of my favorite hobbies. There’s nothing more fascinating than examining the personas people form in both real life and the digital world. There’s a lot of dichotomy involved with reacting to what others do. Example: knowing that there are couples whose supposed ultimate fairytale courtship moment of Luv included the phrase “I AM WEED” makes me simultaneously lose all faith in humanity and gain hope that I’ll someday find a boyfriend. It’s all about trying to maintain a positive mindset in depressing times. If even the most delirious, vapid, overindulged humans can find mates, that opens up a lot of doors for the rest of us. And you’re going to have to make judgments if you’re going to get anywhere. Too many people act as if they aren’t “judgmental” as if judgment isn’t an innate component of human/animal nature. Deciding that funky smelling milk isn’t safe to drink is as much a judgment as choosing the people you choose to surround yourself with. Some people are entranced by the stench of that rancid milk. If observation has taught me anything, humans are often very flawed creatures.

Asserting yourself and the things you associate with opens the door for others to make judgments about you. Too many people hide their best traits out of fear; too many people cover up their flaws to pass under societal radars. It makes you feel almost grateful that there are people so proud of declaring that they are, in fact, weed, because at least they’re being honest. This makes it easier for the rest of us to make correct judgments and stay as far away from them as possible. It’s going to be refreshing to indulge in some freedom of expression with people who aren’t afraid to be themselves and aren’t marijuana courtship string bean swamp creatures in the process.

The Slog Of Life

Wednesday, October 6th, 2021

My time in COVID-19 induced quarantine has had me reflecting on the things that I crave or look forward to in life that remain perpetually out of reach. Like a nice dinner outside in my general area without the party being crashed by invasive insects. Multiple times, the dinner I had with my family the other weekend was interrupted by spotted lantern flies landing on our table or dive bombing us. You could barely walk anywhere without seeing one of them flattened on the pavement. It was disgusting to experience. Spotted lantern flies, like all insects, are fascinating creatures. That does not subtract from the damage they have been doing to local ecosystems since they arrived in America a few years ago. They did not completely ruin my dinner, a genuinely good meal on its own, but they were a nuisance.

Recently, it seems like life has been filled with nuisances, and they accompany everything otherwise worth living for. All of them point towards the path of one of life’s cruelest, most disabling nuisances—DOUBT. Seeing those harmful insects polluting the air makes the restoration of the world you once knew seem more and more unlikely. Seeing people’s conversations de-evolve into mindless sloganeering and virtue signaling makes you question anyone’s ability to think critically. Having your view of the world ignored and shot down makes you question if your words even have meaning. You get overwhelmed by a gaslighting world, you lose grip on your motives and sense of self, you become complacent. You are crippled when the spotted lantern fly that just landed in your hair should have been the one to take the boot.

I know from personal experience what it is like to be overcome with dutiful, certain passion. Ninety percent of the time, that passion feels one sided. Life becomes an uphill battle to defeat the monster assembled from the tangled wires of consciousness and unconsciousness, decisiveness and anxiety, love and hatred—and nothing is right until the mission is completed. The rewards are usually temporary and unsatisfying, and true fulfillment has a waiting list. Now that’s what I call a nuisance.

At least I’m lucky that a few of the waiting lists I’ve found myself on have been growing shorter. That’s not always the case.

Quaran-Times

Friday, October 1st, 2021

I won the lottery last week. Despite two vaccinations last spring and what feels like an eternity of relentless caution, I tested positive for COVID-19. Whoopee.

At least I pulled the luck of the draw in terms of symptom severity. Nothing surpassed the level of a particularly wicked cold, and I recovered very quickly. Judging by the time frame, I wouldn’t have been contagious for my comrades in Chicago, and when I learned of my ailment I was already back from my glorious weekend of concert attending there and keeping my mask up full time for school. My school hasn’t experienced any COVID case spike since my return as well. Not all is bad under quarantine.

In the meantime, I was forced to do my schoolwork online, giving me unwelcome flashbacks to last year. While getting back into the groove was easier than I expected, it was hard being separated from my other activities. As horrible as communicating with other people can be, once you’ve assimilated into society to some degree, you can’t take it out of you easily. Having human interaction stripped from you after getting used to it—and sometimes even enjoying it—does absolute wonders for one’s mental health. The friendships I forged over the past year or so have become invaluable to my current experience. There’s something strangely special about knowing you’ve left reverberations in other people’s lives. When those people make your own life worth living, stepping away bores a hole in you. It’s strange being aware of your own existence in this way, but it’s also eye opening. And ache inducing.

But at least I get to go back to what’s as close as I can get to the life I want to live. It could have been worse. I could have not believed that COVID-19 was a serious threat at all. I could have been without a vaccination and open to a world of pain worthy of a primetime-traumatize shock story. I could have signed my life over to some bile-spewing pundit and brainlessly ingested discredited animal medication as “protection” because he told me to. I could have been an idiot. At least I’m not that.